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Dear SuperWeenee

Updated: Aug 30, 2023

Today I take some time out to answer readers most important questions.

Dear SuperWeenee, I'm thinking of a career as a magician. Do you have any recommendations for protective gear that can cushion beatings from bullies?

- Bruised Springsteen, N. C.

SuperWeenee says: I've always found that sewing a layer of foam cushions into your clothes helps lessen the blows from a bully's punch. Good luck to you, Bruised. Follow your dreams to whatever intensive care unit they may lead you.

Is it a good time to diversify my stock portfolio with real estate?

- G. G., N.Y.

SuperWeenee says: Whoa! You've come to the wrong advice column. May want to try the Financial News Tribune. Come back when you have questions about dumb jokes and memes.

What is your preferred choice of prank: fake vomit, fake dog poop or whoopee cushions?

- LOL in the land of Lincoln

SuperWeenee says: Definitely fake vomit. It's portable, foldable and fits an any bag or pocket. Really comes in handy.

Dear SuperWeenee, my friend and I are having an argument. Would you rather face an alien invasion or a zombie apocalypse? Please help us settle this.

- Fighting for the truth in Dallas

Poster debating how to fight zombies and aliens

SuperWeenee says: Ah yes, the zombie vs. aliens argument. Mankind has argued over this question for many years now. Let us begin our discussion with our choice of facing either flesh melting ray guns from higher intelligent life forms or facing an onslaught of slow moving zombies. I am inclined to take my chance with zombies. I feel that being slightly smarter than brain dead individuals gives me a better advantage for survival. Anything that can cut across galaxies and planets can probably kick my butt.

Asking for a friend: how do ask your--I mean how does my friend ask out their crush when they're awkward and not popular.

- Lovelorn in Sheboygan

SuperWeenee says: Sometimes you just need a little confidence and just go for it. Don't fear rejection. If 'their' crush turns them down, so what? You friend (wink, wink) should get back up and find that person who will like spending time with an awkward weirdo.

Hey, SuperWeenee! I'm president of the Computer Coding Violinist Chess Players Club at my school. I was wondering if you could recommend the best wedgie scar remover ointment for our club members?

- Symphony of Scars in C Miner, Mo.

SuperWeenee says: That's a great question. I prefer Wedg-B-Gon. (Disclaimer: Wedg-B-Gon is a proud sponsor of SuperWeenee). Get yourself a tube of Wedg-B-Gon today!

Wedgie scar removal ointment
Wedg-B-Gon wedgie removal ointment

That's it this time. If you got a question for our next issue send it our way.


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