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Extreme Underground Tea Parties

Updated: Aug 30, 2023


Names have been changed to protect the true identities


On a sunny afternoon, in a typical neighborhood, a playdate is about to begin. One by one a child dressed in their best plastic jewelry and princess outfit gives the secret knock to the host's bedroom door. The young host opens her door where waiting for her guests is a pretty table set up with a teapot, china and yummy snacks. But also set up is a makeshift cage. Inside the cage is today's true entertainment. The children have come to see an ultimate fight match between dolls and teddy bears.


ultimate fight match
An extreme doll fight

These tea parties ain't your mother's old tea parties with friends. Today's tea parties are moving into the modern era. These are the new extreme underground tea parties. Across the nation and the world, children are opting for more edgier gatherings with their friends and teddy bears. We spoke with one attendant, who asked to remain anonymous, why they felt compelled to throw events like these. "We control this space. Not our teachers, not our older brothers and sisters, not our parents. It's a revolution."


opponent defeated

While her tea partiers sip on juice and tea and eat their tiny crustless sandwiches they watch the stuffing being ripped out of a teddy bear opponent. After the gruesome match, plans are being made for next week's playdate for an ultimate fight match between some Paw Patrol characters and Barbie.


fight for survival

champion

In another neighborhood, maybe even in your own neighborhood, another extreme underground tea party is being thrown. In this darkened bedroom, as the plastic china and tiny cakes sit on grandma's fancy tablecloth, the tea partiers take a break from the sugary treats and move in to the center of the room where a mosh pit has formed. Heavy metal music blares and a strobe light maniacally dots the room and party goers. Tiaras fly off heads, little girls wearing white gloves bounce and push off each other. They are moved by the lyrics of the angry music.


tiaras and tea parties
Tiaras and tea cups lie in a mosh pit

'Amanda' told us that of all of these extreme tea parties she's been invited to she likes the mosh pit ones the best. "They let me release all my stress and anxiety from school. Second grade is killing me."


Perhaps the most extreme underground tea parties are those that take place outdoors. Should you receive an invitation to a Woodland Tea Party you better bring your archery skills. Tea party invitees are required to provide the snacks and refreshments with their survival tactics.


woodland survival tea party

We interviewed 'Melissa', who is also known as the Queen of the Tribe of Chamomille, why she prefers this extreme party: "You fight for your place at the tea party table or you sit alone, just like life." She then let out a primal wolf scream.


survival of the fittest

We hope that this investigative report opened many parents eyes as to what kind of tea parties their children are throwing, or helped with a new tea party theme. Thanks for reading. Leave your favorite tea party themes in the comments below.

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