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Hunt for the Legendary Creature: Sasquat

Updated: Aug 30, 2023

Big Foot. Loch Ness Monster. Chupacabra. These creatures have haunted forests, lakes and people's imaginations for years. And now you can add another legendary creature to that list: Sasquat.

There is no creature that terrifies kids, especially around National Physical Education Week than Sasquat. The story of this beast is repeated by kids on the gymnasium floors as they wait in line for the state physical fitness exam. The legend claims that one day, while the cafeteria crew was emptying out the overfull container of the school's old hot dog juice, the hose connected to the tanker truck outside burst open. A tidal wave of toxic hot dog juice spilled out on to the field where the school's gym teacher was setting up the obstacle course for the yearly student physicals. The cafeteria workers screamed at the gym teacher to run, but to no avail. The toxic water slammed into the teacher and knocked him right out of his sneakers. The cafeteria workers say they can still hear his screams of agony as the months' old juice blistered and wrinkled his skin; his thick black mustache almost stripped bare, his upper lip left with patches of stringy hair around his mouth. Parts of his red sweat band was eaten away around his forehead; his green shorts were seared into his skin and his white shirt was forever stained brown from lunchroom hot dogs.

Artist rendering of a Sasquat

School staff raced over to help the gym teacher, but he scrrried away into the woods near the school, howling. Some of the staff later said they thought he was saying, "No crying, wimp. Pain means strength."

It wasn't long after the tragedy that students reported sightings of a 5' 6'' tall beast lurking around bleachers late at night, or seeing a flash of the green shorts near the woods by the school. Soon professional Sasquat hunters started collecting the stories from those who had actual encounters with the beast.

Survivors told the Sasquat hunters that if he catches you he forces you to do the required amount of pull ups to pass the national physical fitness test, while you scream back at him that you can't do them, you don't have the upper body strength.

Those who mock the sightings and encounters are confronted with the following proof. Evidence of the creature's existence is comfirmed, professional Sasquat hunters claim, by the black gym socks the creature sheds monthly. Usually found around playgrounds, rec centers, school yards and bleachers as he looks for a new victim to put through a couple of laps or give a lecture on the importance of a cool down.

How can you tell when a Sasquat is near? Professional hunters say you will smell the creature before you see him. An unmistakable odor of old hot dog juice and gym sweat pierces the nose. Then you'll hear it's mournful whistle, broken and rusted, clogged from the hot dog juice.

How can you avoid the Sasquat? Professional hunters say:

1) Avoid eating junk food in the areas he's reported to be seen. The beast can smell an open bag of potato chips from miles away.

2) Carry a note signed by your mom or family physician excusing you from exercise.

3) Wear a fake knee brace or walk with crutches. Maybe wear an eye patch. Anything that will make the beast think you've been injured and are excused from exercise.

So, beware when you're out alone near a playground or standing by the school bleachers. You too may hear the broken whistle that gurgles with old hot dog juice. Sasquat has a desire to see if you can finish 5 laps around the track field.



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